Feb 23, 2010

Am I really THAT crazy?

OK OK FINE!! Now you can stop screaming "YES"to your screen!!!
Do you know those moments in life when you sit down and think if things you are doing are really what you need to be doing, if things you want are really what you NEED?
Well, I have been having some of those moments lately, and you got it right.. it's NKOTB related.
A few months ago I was happily jumping up and down because I manged to get myself on the cruise (and only god knows how). I had it all figured out, some savings I had, some money I will save during the year and I won't get into any kind of debt. I thought I HAVE to be on the cruise, the thought of sitting home while another cruise sails off terrified me, so despite of the things people around me told me, despite the fact that my friends think i have finally lost it and instead of brain now I have a picture of Ddub in my head- I DID IT.. I got a spot on the boat. I know that was the right decision to make, and I don't regret it at all. I wanted to do it- I had the money to do it- I'm gonna do it.
But then the mini tour thingy arrived....
Hmmm..... will I actually fly all the way to the USA for only one week knowing that a few days later there are going to be concerts!? Do I really NEED to go see more concerts? Can I afford that?
My number #1 rule was (still is) "if you have to get yourself in debt for it- don't do it!". That's when I started looking for old lost accounts, money some old jobs owed me, another saving I had and I found the money ( at least I hope I did coz now I'm all booked)
So it all looks great but then I started asking myself if thats the right way to spend THAT money.. Sure I'm dyeing to see an NKOTB concert (again) and I don't know what the future holds for me... I know today I can go, I have no responsibilities, no kids to take care of, my boss is fine with me taking those days off, I know I'm going to have the time of my life, not just because of the NK'S but also because I'm going to finally meet so many people I call friends and still... something bothers me.
Call it early midlife (hey hey!! I'm only 31) crisis, call it a reality call, call it what you want baby- I still call it love, but today I found myself thinking about all the things I could do with that money. I could finally study and take my driving license exam (in Israel it's mandatory to take around 30 lessons.. all together is 1000 usd) and buy an used car ( probably less than 3000 usd) I could buy a mac (not THE mac) I could study design, could save the money, hell!! I could travel for over 4 months in South America or India with that kind of money.. I could do so many things, things that will be useful for me and for people I know..
So yes, i find myself wondering and thinking this whole thing, have I lost my mind? Am I that childish? Don't I have any sense of responsibility? maybe I should wake up from this NKOTB world and start doing other things with my money..
What really makes me worry is the fact that I always come to the same answer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SPEND THE MONEY ON WHAT YOU WANT!. I find myself feeling that the cruise+concerts are the right thing to do, maybe not the most responsible, maybe not the most mature- but the most ME. I keep on remembering that none of us has any guarantees on what tomorrow will bring, I keep telling myself that I have food on my plate (and fridge), that I pay my rent on time, that I work and pay my bills and I never get into debt so why not?
But still.. why is it that i feel that guilt thing for doing something fun for myself? Why is it that I find myself thinking what I could do with that money if... why is it that I can't just tell myself to SHUT UP AND ENJOY?
I always lived by the simple rule that says: I rather live than die rich. So why is it that I find myself thinking so much about this money?
Am I going completely nuts!? Is spending around 5000 usd on a two week trip normal? Should I be locked and put away? And if I should.... could I please be interrogated by Detective Joel Stevens?

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